>> I'm glad I didn't have to find my Shacknews account info.
Ahaha, that's a bit embarassing.
>> If we know where the Trine 1 script goes wrong then I guess it'd be even easier to make it better...
The grammar issues are of the nature of being off-sounding, meaning that it is slightly disordered and inefficient English. I'll give examples from the intro to the game, and it'll seem unforgiving, but then that's the whole point.On the outskirts of the kingdom, near the Astral Academy, a thief carried out her cunning plan.
The above phrase references a cunning plan that hasn't yet been established to exist. It also says "carried," which is a past-tense use that suggests the plan concluded - which it had not. You might instead say "a thief was carrying out a cunning plan." In this example, you would use "her" to refer to the plan only after it had been established to exist, which was done by the use of "a" (as in "a cunning plan") instead of "her".The gentle moon smiled at the Thief as she made her way towards the shrine of ancient treasure. Strangely, the protective charms around the shrine allowed her to enter unharmed.
In the phrase "gentle moon smiled," "smiled" is allegory without recognizable meaning. It sounds pretty, but how does the moon relate to the Thief in a way that it could be referred to as smiling?
Also, to whom is it strange that the protective charms allowed her to enter? As the audience to the narrator, there's no reason for it to be strange to us because we're just accepting as fact whatever the narrator tells us. If it's strange to the Thief, then it should be worded that the "strangely" is in accordance to the Thief's perception: "Strangely, or so thought the Thief, ..." or "The Thief thought it strange that..."Unknown to the Thief, a wizard was just waking up.
This begs the question, why is it noteworthy that the Thief didn't know? Essentially, it isn't relevant whether the Thief knew or not, because the characters' stories aren't inter-connected at this point. Simply, a wizard was waking up, an action for which there was no reason why it should
be connected to the Thief's knowledge. Unrelated to the Thief, a wizard was waking up, one who would become known to the Thief shortly, but at this point they are operating on entirely separate schedules.He had been studying the stars and trying hard to learn the elusive fireball spell that all wizards ought to know. Of course, that was a lie.
Here, the narrator says "of course, that was a lie" as if the claim that the Wizard had been studying the stars came from the Wizard himself, but it didn't, it came from the narrator. It doesn't make sense for the narrator to state something, and then say "of course, that was a lie." The narrator could say, "actually, that is a lie," but then the narrator is calling himself a liar. If it was a lie, why did the narrator say it? Alternatively, the narrator could establish that the claim of studying the stars in fact did come from the Wizard by saying something like "The Wizard had told those who know him that he would be studying the stars, trying hard to learn the elusive fireball spell that all wizards ought to know."
If that example was followed, the "of course" would still not fit, because no reason to doubt that claim has yet been established. The narrator states "of course" as if they're confirming the sentiment with us, but we don't know for ourselves yet because we've only just been introduced to the Wizard and don't know those sort of background character details about him.For you see, the Wizard had a certain reputation with the ladies. What he had really been up to was the creation of a fake fireball potion that would have impressed the ladies and improved his status. The potion had backfired causing a fortnight of sleep.
Now the Wizard's character and potential motive has been established. If the narrator said "of course" in reference to the lie at this point, it would make some sense.
Also, the past-tense doesn't need to be established twice over in the sentence:
"What he had
really been up to was the creation of a fake fireball potion that would have
impressed the ladies"
It is cleaner to write:
What he had really been up to was the creation of a fake fireball potion that would impress
There you are, hope it will be of use. I'm looking forward to Trine 2.